Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Today.

I miss this guy today.  
I can't believe it's been 6 years, Dad.  I remember sitting with you the night before you had to go (and I say it that way because you didn't want to leave this earth, you made that very clear by the way you fought until the very end).  It was just the two of us, the first time that had happened since you were admitted into the hospital nearly a month earlier.  I pulled a rocking chair over to your bed, turned the overhead lights off and turned on the lamp beside your bed.  And I talked to you.  I talked to you for a long time.  And even though you couldn't talk to me, I know you were listening to me.  And you knew how much I loved you.  How much I love you still. 

The next day, Halloween, you left us.  I still can't bring myself back to the moment you took your last breath.  It's still too hard, too raw.  I didn't want to say good bye.  I remember the doctors saying that we should tell you that it was okay for you to let go.  And I remember whispering to you "it's ok Dad, it's ok for you to let go", but then I'd quickly say "No.  No, I'm not ready.  Don't go.".  It was selfish of me, because you were suffering.  It wasn't ok for you to go.  But it was time.

We all put a smile on our faces for the kids today.  It's Halloween!  But inside our hearts are still breaking.  We'll never be the same without you, our family has a Bill sized hole in it no one could ever fill. 

I love you Dad.  Always have.  Always will.