Saturday, August 29, 2009

Fear and loathing in Clarence

I have this obscene fear of death. Not of my own, but of those around me. The people I love. And the more people that have come into my life that I love, the more that fear grows. I'll see a story of a little one diagnosed with something horrendous, or someone in their prime battling a disease, even someone old who still has more life to live, and off my mind goes - into the darkest recesses of my mind where all the fearful and nasty things hide. Once I get that way I immediately try to find something else to do to take my mind off of it (because then I worry that if I think about it too much that it will somehow magically manifest itself into a loved one...have I ever mentioned I'm a teeny bit neurotic? No? Hmm, I'm not sure how that hasn't come up yet...).

I'm sure it stems from my father's death - and in my belief that was demolished when he fought so hard yet didn't survive, but it's breaking me nonetheless. Knowing its birthplace doesn't help me at all.

My question is - am I the only one out there that's like this? I'm to the point where I'm researching asylums for myself? BTW - I hear they have some really swank ones out on the West Coast....

Oh, and if I AM the only one like this out there - maybe one of you could tell me you have a "friend" who's a lot like this. You know, just to make me feel better.

1 comment:

emma*lucia*07 said...

I have a friend who is alot like this.... as you put it.... so dont feel bad, your not the only one!