Self loathing in NY

I'm a very greedy girl. I mean I am and I'm not. Anyone who knows me knows I get all stupid excited about my birthday. I love being special for a day and getting gifts. LOVE getting gifts. Maybe everybody does but I don't think as much as I do. I love getting stuff. Magazines, mail, gifts, whatever. I don't know why. I don't want to evaluate why I love to get things. My wishlists (between the 3 of them) total nearly $940. I'm such a piece of crap. Why do I want $940 worth of stuff? I'd like to think of myself as a spiritual person who doesn't need "stuff" to make me happy, but you know what - I do and it does. I LOVE getting a package in the mail, or coming from with shopping bags. Or at least I want stuff. Books, DVDs, camera lenses, scrapbook supplies, music. Why is that? WHY?! Why am I in such a shame spiral right now for wanting things? I give money to charity, I give my time to people and volunteer (although not as recently as I'd like). I know I'm a good person but for some reason this materialism shame is ruining my birthday month of fun.

Maybe I should just get over it. It's not the only thing that makes me happy, and I'd gladly trade every "thing" I have to make the people I love happy and healthy. Ugh. It really is a struggle for me though.

I'm going to close this awesome self-loathing post by saying HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you who doesn't want her name on my blog! :-) You know who you are! Happy birthday - I love you and I'm so glad we're related and I get to have you in my life!

P.S. I know this was perhaps the most annoying post of all time. Thanks for hanging in there during my pathetic ramblings. I would just delete this post and not publish it, but I need to get my feelings off my chest and out there. Phew.

P.P.S. Listening to itunes right now and Jennifer Hudson's "All Dressed in Love" is on right now. Love that song. Makes me want to dance.

P.P.P.S. Now its Bach's Suite for Cello No. 1 in G Major. Makes me want to sleep. Talk about shuffle.